I am realizing how painful it is to be away.
Some of my family on the east coast are going through some hardships. I’m not there. I am always there. Now there is no way I can be.
My heart has literally been aching. I am seriously feeling pain not being there.
I feel the need to be there. To help hands-on. Need a ride? I’m there. A babysitter? There. A hug? On the way.
To hear my family in pain over the phone hurts. It hurts even more to know there is nothing I can do to help.
I’ve found myself praying a lot less then normal. I didn’t even realize it until I was scrolling on Facebook. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
Why was I not praying right now? There are some major things going on.
I really had to dwell on that question for a while before I realized: I was afraid of the silence.
“Sometimes the quiet is violent.”
Prayer needs silence.
Prayer is good.
Silence is good.
However, fears and questions are brought to my attention in the silence. They make me uncomfortable. Prayer becomes hard and filled with whys and what ifs. It was taking strength to pray.
“I’m forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real.”
When I prayed and faced the quiet it starting hurting more and more. I wanted to be there. I felt so useless. So sad. So tormented. My heart felt like it was ripping out of my chest trying to run to the east coast.
I starting getting on my social media a lot more. I need a distraction. Prayer was hurting. Silence was hurting. I needed noise.
Once I realized this I knew I had to stop. I had to face the reality.
Prayer is such a beautiful gift. I don’t deserve it. It is powerful. I put so much value on hands-on work (which is important) that prayer becomes less valuable to me. I am thankful God is teaching me this lesson.
Silence is important.
Prayer is important.
They are gifts. The God of the universe is wanting to talk to me and I choose to ignore His whisper for the distraction social media gives me.
I obviously didn’t believe in the power of prayer like I say I do.
I am so thankful for this lesson. I have been reminding myself how awesome prayer is. I am constantly filled with awe as I pray. It is amazing to see my prayers answered. It is a personal response from the most holy being in the universe. My prayers have all had responses in some way: sometimes answering my request; sometimes not answering my request and instead giving me whispers that He is listening and He does care.
Silence is still hard for me to face. I realize my fears, my pride, and all my other flaws. I am thankful God uses such intimate moments to help me grow. Maybe that is partly why it hurts so much: growing often hurts.
“but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither”